Emotional non-Rescue

She had a bad day. Felt out of touch, not worthy. There had been an incident at work having to do with a cash shortage. Even though she wasn't responsible for it, and she had worked harder than everybody else that day, she and the others were all mildly reprimanded. By the time she got home, she had started down a spiral that escalated into an extended crying jag, and eventually thoughts of quitting her job. We were in the grocery store shopping for an upcoming trip, and she started to tell me about it. She brokedown, there in the aisle, crying almost uncontrollably. Between the crying and her efforts to cover it up, it was hard to understand her, and I kept having to ask her to repeat herself, which sure didn't help matters. Normally, this is where I would try to understand, be consoling, compassionate, supportive. But for some reason, I decided not to this time. I just stood there, didn't say anything. I wasn't cold to her, I just wasn't going to get sucked in to the drama this time. This was very difficult for me to do. I instinctively want to be the hero, riding in and saving the day, rescuing my Princess from the evil dragon. But I forced myself not to. After a minute or two, she got it under control, but started crying again on the drive home. She pulled out her cell and started dialing (while she's driving, mind you!). I asked her who she was calling. She said she needed to talk to someone, so was calling H, her therapist. I said "You can talk to me" which by the time it made it to her ears somehow turned into "I don't want you to call H," which only made her even more upset.

(Side note: it is so friggin' frustrating how no matter what I say, it gets turned into something I didn't say. Even if I just ask a question, she thinks it means I'm negating what she said.
SHE: I think I want to change psychiatrists. I don't like the one I'm seeing.
ME: What is it you don't like about him?
SHE: So you think I should keep seeing him, even if I don't like him?
ME: (internally) ARRRGH!

SHE: So-and-so at work is mad at me, she hardly talked to me at all today.
ME: Maybe she was just in a cranky mood.
SHE: (angrily) I know what I saw! Its not all in my head!!
ME: (internally ARRRGH!

etc...)

Anyway, I went back to non-rescue mode, and when we got home, she said she wanted to do some work in the garden, plant some petunias (gardening is one of the few things she lets herself enjoy). She was working in the front, I kept busy in the back, giving her space. The machine in her head kept cranking, and soon enough she was all upset again, couldn't let go what had happened at work. So she called H, left a message. I kept my yap shut, kept diggin' and mulchin'. H eventually called, and they talked for 15 or 20 minutes. I minded my own beezwax. She came into the back yard to fill me in. She looked much better, relieved. She told me H had helped her put things in perspective, and she seemed to be back to herself again. Even then, I forced myself to stay level, didn't get too relieved, didn't praise her too much for working through it.

I think I was trying to project an attitude of "Of course you worked through it. I knew you would, and that's good. This may have felt like a crisis to you, but it wasn't. Everything's fine." I didn't over-respond, either when she was down, or when she got better. I tried to just take everything in stride, and not let her mood swings pull me in either direction. It was so friggin' hard not to play the hero, to let her work through it on her own. But in the end, I think it was better for her (and for me). Progress through inaction...what a concept.