The Face in the Mirror
We went to our niece, M's graduation, a few weeks ago. M's mom, dad and sister were there, as well as the grandparents. M's always been sort of our surrogate daughter. She even said after graduation that she was glad she had both set of parents --meaning us-- there, so it was very special for us. But, being a family gathering, it naturally made my wife pretty nervous. She was getting pretty stressed just on the drive there, about 2 1/2 hours.
We got to the campus where we were supposed to meet up with everyone, and found we were the first one's there. This only meant more time for her to get herself worked up about how stressful things were. She got hold of M on the cell and we picked a spot to meet her. I tried to keep things light, and we strolled the beautiful campus, waiting for the others. M arrived with some friends, and we went back to the dorm with them. She was trying to be upbeat, but I could tell she was still stressing out. We eventually met up with everyone else and headed back to the hotel for lunch.
One of her other sister, K, has had an almost life-long battle with chronic pain. She can't sit too long, can't stand too long, etc. Well K was determined to make it to M's graduation, but knew the car trip would be brutal for her, so she took some (...wait for it...) ATIVAN (!) to help her through. Well, she was still pretty stoned on it by the time we all met up, and my wife got to see what this drug does to people's personalities. She was pretty stunned at how different K was...the glazed, unfocused eyes...the random thoughts and almost incoherent conversation...the general goofiness...this wasn't K at all, and my wife got to see it first hand. She asked me if I had noticed. I told her that not only had I noticed, but I could tell within seconds what K had taken to make her that way. "That's exactly what you're like when you take it." I told her. "Really? That bad?", she asked. "Yeah. Really. That bad."
There were lots of other small things that happened, and I'm just not up to writing them all right now. But the bottom line is this: she made it through the entire, stressful weekend without taking a single Ativan! Through K, I think she got to take a good look in the mirror, and realize what it is I've been saying for so long. This drug has some really negative side effects. Unfortunately, they aren't obvious to the person taking the drug. With lithium, the side effects are clear to her: her hands tremble, she can't write a check, has trouble holding small objects, etc. But with Ativan, she doesn't see how deeply it changes her. If anything, its just the opposite...it makes her feel she's even more "normal".
We got home and I made sure to tell her just how incredibly proud I was of her. I think she crossed a threshold that weekend. She crashed once we got home, had a few blue days as everything caught up with her. But I tried to let her be, find her way through it, and eventually she did. She had a good session with H, and related what happened, and H praised her too.
Later in the week, she had an episode at work that normally would have sent her into a tail-spin. It had to do with someone she used to work with at another job. Turns out this person was now working at the same place as she was (different branch, but same company). Well this other person came in to where my wife works, and it really shook her up. She wasn't sure what this other person was saying about her, but there seemed to lots of hushed conversations with other employees, and she immediately felt excluded, isolated, paranoid. Nut she recognized all this, and made a decision to take action. She asked her boss if they could meet the next day, and told her boss all about the previous connection between her and this other person. Boss said she was fully aware of the other's background, and knew that she liked to stir up trouble on occasion. She assured my wife that anything Other said would be taken with a huge grain of salt, and that she was doing a great job, and not to worry about anything. This went a long way to alleviate her stress, and again, she didn't fall back on Ativan to help her get through a stressful situation.
Her confidence seems to be growing in other areas, too. We recently volunteered for a Habitat for Humanity build in our area. We showed up the first day to find 6 other people, all older guys, mostly retired. Then there's me and her. She was definitely out of place. I knew she could hold her own. She's helped on many household projects, including rebuilding our porch last summer. She helped with the demolition, the framing, and vinyl siding, so I was sure she could do this. But of course, you could see the doubt in the eyes of these guys. We started out framing up some wall, and of course they were driving nails with 3 swipes of their 20 oz hammers. She was swinging her 14 oz hammer 10 or 12 times to drive a nail, but she got it done. She felt like she was slowing things down, but I told her its not a race, let's just do what we can and not worry about how fast or slow we were. After a while the guys warmed up to her and saw she was a real trooper, and she was getting encouragement and praise from a few of them. Even so, she started doubting herself, and at one point she started to move away, to isolate herself from the group. She kept busy cleaning stuff up, but I knew what she was thinking. She wanted to leave. I debated whether I should talk to her about it or not, and decided to let her be. After a few minutes, I was thrilled to look up and find her right there, tool belt pocket full of nails, ready to get back to work. She had talked herself back into the game. Again, I couldn't have been more proud of her, and made sure she knew it.
Her confidence and self-assuredness seem to be growing. She's told me she's making an effort not to use Ativan as much, hopefully just for sleep, and I'm totally on-board with that plan. Thank God, it seems we're finally getting somewhere!
We got to the campus where we were supposed to meet up with everyone, and found we were the first one's there. This only meant more time for her to get herself worked up about how stressful things were. She got hold of M on the cell and we picked a spot to meet her. I tried to keep things light, and we strolled the beautiful campus, waiting for the others. M arrived with some friends, and we went back to the dorm with them. She was trying to be upbeat, but I could tell she was still stressing out. We eventually met up with everyone else and headed back to the hotel for lunch.
One of her other sister, K, has had an almost life-long battle with chronic pain. She can't sit too long, can't stand too long, etc. Well K was determined to make it to M's graduation, but knew the car trip would be brutal for her, so she took some (...wait for it...) ATIVAN (!) to help her through. Well, she was still pretty stoned on it by the time we all met up, and my wife got to see what this drug does to people's personalities. She was pretty stunned at how different K was...the glazed, unfocused eyes...the random thoughts and almost incoherent conversation...the general goofiness...this wasn't K at all, and my wife got to see it first hand. She asked me if I had noticed. I told her that not only had I noticed, but I could tell within seconds what K had taken to make her that way. "That's exactly what you're like when you take it." I told her. "Really? That bad?", she asked. "Yeah. Really. That bad."
There were lots of other small things that happened, and I'm just not up to writing them all right now. But the bottom line is this: she made it through the entire, stressful weekend without taking a single Ativan! Through K, I think she got to take a good look in the mirror, and realize what it is I've been saying for so long. This drug has some really negative side effects. Unfortunately, they aren't obvious to the person taking the drug. With lithium, the side effects are clear to her: her hands tremble, she can't write a check, has trouble holding small objects, etc. But with Ativan, she doesn't see how deeply it changes her. If anything, its just the opposite...it makes her feel she's even more "normal".
We got home and I made sure to tell her just how incredibly proud I was of her. I think she crossed a threshold that weekend. She crashed once we got home, had a few blue days as everything caught up with her. But I tried to let her be, find her way through it, and eventually she did. She had a good session with H, and related what happened, and H praised her too.
Later in the week, she had an episode at work that normally would have sent her into a tail-spin. It had to do with someone she used to work with at another job. Turns out this person was now working at the same place as she was (different branch, but same company). Well this other person came in to where my wife works, and it really shook her up. She wasn't sure what this other person was saying about her, but there seemed to lots of hushed conversations with other employees, and she immediately felt excluded, isolated, paranoid. Nut she recognized all this, and made a decision to take action. She asked her boss if they could meet the next day, and told her boss all about the previous connection between her and this other person. Boss said she was fully aware of the other's background, and knew that she liked to stir up trouble on occasion. She assured my wife that anything Other said would be taken with a huge grain of salt, and that she was doing a great job, and not to worry about anything. This went a long way to alleviate her stress, and again, she didn't fall back on Ativan to help her get through a stressful situation.
Her confidence seems to be growing in other areas, too. We recently volunteered for a Habitat for Humanity build in our area. We showed up the first day to find 6 other people, all older guys, mostly retired. Then there's me and her. She was definitely out of place. I knew she could hold her own. She's helped on many household projects, including rebuilding our porch last summer. She helped with the demolition, the framing, and vinyl siding, so I was sure she could do this. But of course, you could see the doubt in the eyes of these guys. We started out framing up some wall, and of course they were driving nails with 3 swipes of their 20 oz hammers. She was swinging her 14 oz hammer 10 or 12 times to drive a nail, but she got it done. She felt like she was slowing things down, but I told her its not a race, let's just do what we can and not worry about how fast or slow we were. After a while the guys warmed up to her and saw she was a real trooper, and she was getting encouragement and praise from a few of them. Even so, she started doubting herself, and at one point she started to move away, to isolate herself from the group. She kept busy cleaning stuff up, but I knew what she was thinking. She wanted to leave. I debated whether I should talk to her about it or not, and decided to let her be. After a few minutes, I was thrilled to look up and find her right there, tool belt pocket full of nails, ready to get back to work. She had talked herself back into the game. Again, I couldn't have been more proud of her, and made sure she knew it.
Her confidence and self-assuredness seem to be growing. She's told me she's making an effort not to use Ativan as much, hopefully just for sleep, and I'm totally on-board with that plan. Thank God, it seems we're finally getting somewhere!
posted by me at 8:09 AM
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